I'm A Gold Digger, I Married A Tree For Its Money

I was standing in front of all these people in my wedding dress...across from a TREE in a tux! Don’t worry, I felt as dumb as it looked. My face was burning hot. I could HEAR people laughing at me. I thought about myself bending down to lock lips with a leaf and...oh man. How the hell had my life gotten here?! Well, let’s rewind a bit. Hi, my name is Chichi...and I know what you’re thinking. “Was he hot?” But seriously, yeah, you read the title right: I Married a Tree...like, legally. And no, I’m not entirely crazy...just a little desperate. You see, my family is LOADED. My grandma makes Bill Gates look like a hobo. Growing up, that was always something to look forward to. Based on the boring legal papers that were drawn up, every kid in my family has been set to get a ton of cash the minute they turn 20. I was stoked! Because, honestly, there was no way in hell I’d be able to make that much on my own. My brother is a year older than me, and when I saw what happened to him when he got his inheritance...my mind was BLOWN. He went from a crappy car to a luxury car worth half a billion. He moved out of his dinky dorm and got a FRIGGIN’ mansion! Don’t get me STARTED on the girls that were suddenly all over him! I mean...I know he’s my brother, but I’m definitely the one that got the looks. I didn’t really have that plan with my money. I mean, I wanted to blow a little of it because, honestly, who wouldn’t? But my real goal was...kinda lame. I wanted to open a bakery. I was gonna take the money, get a bakery, get a nice little house...and then just live every day like a character in a stupid rom-com. Sounds pretty sweet, right? Yeah, I sure thought so. But when I turned 20, I found out my Grandma SURE didn’t think so. I woke up that morning actually glowing. I felt like a billion bucks...probably because I was about to get that handed to me. I showed up at her house and asked for my money. This...evil friggin’ woman laughed IN MY FACE. Like, I get that she’s my grandma but...I wanted to deck her in her wrinkly old face. Like, you’re kidding me, right? In her crotchety, chain-smoking old voice she told me: “You’re not getting that money until you’re married, honey. I can’t have you going out and spendin’ the money on the things lil floozies spend their money on.” I’m sorry...lil floozies?! Did my grandma just call me a– “Not that you’re a total floozy, hun.” Great...so my Grandma didn’t think I was a total slut? I lashed out at her, telling her it was super unfair my brother got his inheritance. You know what SHE had the nerve to say? “He’s a man. He can handle his money on his own. YOU need a man.” He can handle his money?! I saw him buy a diamond-studded athletic cup last week! Are you KIDDING ME?! So...I did just what you would expect. I went OFF on Grandma. I went to town, calling her sexist, calling her old, telling her it was a dumb rule and that he shouldn’t always be the favorite just because of the crap hanging between his legs– That’s when she tells me if I’m not married by the end of the week, I’m done. No money, ever. You know that moment when you realize you’ve crossed the line and your blood runs cold?

Money